So you're planning the party of the century and you're shopping around for the best belly dance entertainment money can buy. Well, if you're looking to hire the best, then you've probably ruled out all other options from the moment you landed on my website. If you're looking for the worst entertainment, then by all means, hire a dog.

Here are some scientifically proven facts on why dogs make terrible belly dancers. Google them.

5. They Smell Bad. REALLY Bad. I'm sure you've seen those ads for deodorizing carpet cleaners. Notice how they never show a cat. It's always a dog, leaving their unmistakable trail of dander, various dog farts, and whatever smelly dead thing they rolled on, wherever they go. And if your belly dancing dog shows up to your party during a rain storm, the musty "wet dog" smell will linger on for hours, if not for a lifetime in terrible memories. All of the high-end, plumeria-scented dog shampoo in the world will NOT cover up the stench of a belly dancing dog! (So don't even try, canine ladies!)

4. Real Pros are Litterbox Trained - Everyone knows, dogs like to leave "presents" everywhere. It's like they've never heard of a litterbox! If nature calls during your canine performer's show, she won't give a sh*t. Well, she will give a sh*t, and it'll probably be on your carpet. Not only do I use a litterbox, but I've been trained to use a toilet! Sometimes, I miss. But it's the effort that counts.

3. Dogs are Crass and Vulgar and Will Embarrass Your Guests - Have you ever seen a cat hump a chair leg or eat its own poop? I rest my case!

2. Man's Best Friend? Whatever! You just can't trust a canine belly dancer! Fact: a dog WILL eat your Jimmy Choos. Who has time to lock up all their belongings before the belly dancer arrives?

1. Belly Dance Was Made for Cats, By Cats! Need proof? Check out this blog by some un-famous dancer I've never heard of:

Stay tuned, and next time, we'll discuss belly dancing birds and why they're even worse than dogs!